The Knight of Covfefe

This tale begins nine months ago. I just graduated college with a degree in journalism.

Yeah, I know, a degree in journalism.

I’m looking for jobs near my home in Austin, TX. I apply to various small newspapers and even The Statesman, the biggest newspaper in the city. I’m turned down for all of them.

One day, I get an email from a girl named Mystee who says she works for the Genesis Communications Network and knows I’ve been looking for some sort of reporting/editorial job. I tell her I am and schedule an interview at the given address for Thursday.

Thursday comes and I get in my car and drive to the address. However, it’s not an office. It’s a barbecue restaurant. Stiles Switch BBQ, good place.

I freak out, recheck my GPS and the email. It’s definitely this address. Befuddled, I go in, tell the guy at the waiting desk I’m here for an interview with someone from GCN.

“Oh, thank god you’re here!” he exclaims.

“Um, what?” I ask.

He ignores my question and leads me toward the back of the restaurant. There, in the booth, is Alex Jones.

I obviously know who Alex is, so I’m sort of freaking out. He smiles, stands up, gives me a hug. This dude hasn’t even seen my resume.

“You ready to fight the good fight, bro?” Alex asks.

I tell him I’m interested in working in Austin’s journalistic community. I try to stay far, far away from telling him I want to work for him or his BS site. He orders us both brisket platters.

“You know, I think you’ve got the mug of an info warrior,” Alex explains.

I just sort of nod and sip on my Sprite.

He asks me all sorts of weird shit – if I’ve ever worked for the government, if I’m gay, etc. Every two-three questions, he fist bumps me.

“Let me tell you something, Jason, I do put one hundred and ten percent into this fight.”

My name’s not Jason.

Finally, our meals arrive. “Thanks, sweetie – we’ll take that in a to-go container,” he explains to the waitress.

I ask Alex where we’re going – I’d imagine his main office, right?

“I know you said you’d give your life for this fight”

What?

“So let me show you the true enemy.”

Alex asks if we can store the food in his car. I tell him, “Sure, but I don’t have any way to keep it from spoiling.” He tells me there are preservatives on ‘the front lines’ to keep them edible.

Okay

We begin walking down the street.

It’s around 5 PM now. We’ve been walking in silence for nearly an hour and a half. I could say “fuck it” and leave. Though, I really need this job. My parents have threatened to kick me out if I don’t find one soon. So, I trek on.

Finally, Alex just stops alongside a major highway.

“And now, we wait.” he says, seemingly to no one in particular.

So, we stand there and wait, for another half hour.

Finally, a large black van stops at the side of the road. Alex hops in the passenger seat without saying a word. He pokes his head out of the window and looks at me. So, I hop in too.

The van drives for maybe forty minutes into a small ass town called Niederwald.

Alex keeps muttering to the driver, a young black guy with glasses, about how scared he is for his family.

Niederwald seems to be mostly grass and the occasional house.

Alex peaks behind to look at me.

“Jason, I read that you consider a major skill to be head-on tackling a problem.”

That sentence seems astoundingly stupid to me, but I just nod and say “Yeah, definitely.”

Finally, we pull into a road and keep going for maybe twenty minutes.

I’m pretty sweaty and tired by this point. I’m wondering if this is even real life. Chilling with Alex Jones in a black van isn’t something I would even expect to dream about.

Finally, we stop next to an old bridge. We climb out, Alex and I, and the van just drives off.

What the actual fuck?!

“Jason, come help me out here.”

Alex is standing over a weird metal hatch.

I help him open it. It’s pretty heavy and obviously hasn’t been opened in a long time.

“I bet this is the craziest first day of work you’ve ever had.”

First day of work? The fuck?

Then, Alex hops down into the opening of this hatch. I decide to follow suit, if only because it’s getting dark. I figure Alex is too famous to just murder me out here.

The tunnels are dark, so I use my phone as a flash light.

I soon realise, I can’t find Alex Jones.

I wander around for a long ass time. These tunnels just sort of lead into empty metal rooms. Every once in a while I’ll hear a ‘clang’ and I’ll shout ‘Alex?’

Alex never did introduce himself to me by name. I guess he just assumes everyone knows who he is.

Finally, I come across a room with this weird, fuzzy insulation on the walls. Standing in the room is Alex Jones.

Alex, as I’m sure we all know, is totally insane. He talks about how this place was a tunnel system for an inter dimensional vampire society. He says this room is where they ‘siphoned energy’.

I’m not even sure how to respond to that.

He tears down some of the insulation and asks me to help him.

While I’m helping Alex tear down the insulation I’m thinking about who that black dude driving the van was. I have no idea.

Finally, we get all the insulation down. There, on the wall in front of us, is an elevator.

At this point, I’m visibly shaken.

It’s an old elevator, the kind where the door is sort of open and it doesn’t completely cover the front.

Alex grabs my shoulder and says “look, Jason, I know you’re scared bro, but I need you to think of it as a spiritual experience, Jason.”

Yeah, okay.

“I’ll be with you every step of the way, buddy.”

Oh god, please no.

He steps into the elevator and pulls a dangling rope. I get in too and we descend into pure darkness.

There is nothing but the low hum of the elevator. Then, all of a sudden there is a very loud ‘CLANG!’ We’ve reached the bottom of the elevator shaft.

Alex and I both use our phones as torches. I notice I’m getting no signal. I’m not surprised, we must be at least 700 feet under ground at this point.

Out of the corner of my eye, I notice something on the wall. It looks like blood. I’ve never seen so much blood!

“Oh god, I’m gonna die! Alex Jones is going to kill me!” I think as I let out a scream.

“Don’t worry,” I hear Alex say, “That’s not blood.”

“Oh, then what the hell is it?” I ask.

“It’s this weird, semen-like substance the vampires used to create a message to their dark lord”

Yeah, I’m not sure if that is any better. Whatever it is, it’s all over the walls in this weird rune language. Alex tells me they generally act as prayers to the Satanic lords of the inter dimensional vampires.

I’m still pretty sure I’m going to die.

We continue to walk down the hallway. It’s really dark and hard to see. Then, we finally get to a door.

“Okay, Jason, this is the one room where they remain.”

The fuck?

I could run right now, but I don’t know how to work the elevator and I’m not sure I’d make it through those tunnels. I know Alex is fucking crazy, so who knows what’s really beyond the door.

“It will – I mean this – it WILL take the form of your own personal demon,” Alex explains.

That doesn’t really reassure me.

I open this weird metal door and shut it behind me.

The room is sort of like a classroom but without any desks or chairs for students. Just a ‘teacher’s’ desk at the front of the room. There is also a projector and some weird, creepy ass objects on the floor. A rattle, a teddy bear, some old comic books, etc. and a journal.

I pick up the journal and start reading it.

Well, shit. It’s from a young Alex Jones. Young Alex was apparently ‘taken here’ for a dentist appointment and left in this room to ‘watch the reports’ and ‘receive treatment.’

Damn, I don’t really know what to make of this.

I put the journal down and look around the room. I don’t really see anything of interest.

Then, suddenly, the lights turn on. I also notice the projector is now on and playing something on the wall at the far side of the room.

An old guy that looks like a professor appears on the screen. He starts talking about the ‘Doronas Procedures.’

I don’t speak conspiracy theorist – not that it’s much of a conspiracy for me at this point, though. However, it seems as though some mason-like group was ‘chemically tracking’ wealthy Texan families and recruiting their kids. The kids were taught like in school but also received chemical treatments and ‘psi-op conditioning’ to make them harder to kill or otherwise manipulate.

Sweet baby Jesus!

This video lasts maybe forty-five minutes, detailing the ‘enemies’ that these kids would face when they were older. Very weird and creepy shit.

When the video ended the lights shut off. I run to the door and start banging and screaming. I’m really freaking out at this point.

All of a sudden the door opens. The lights are on in the hall now and Alex is standing by the elevator looking very sombre.

“Do you see why I do this not?” he asks.

“I guess so,” I tell him. Honestly, I don’t really know what to think at this point.

“Let’s go to the club, Jason.”

We make our way back outside and the black van is there. We get in and drive to Austin. Not a word is said the whole ride.

We arrive at Plush nightclub.

Alex jokes that he’s glad he’s divorced so he can go to these places more often.

Alex, the black dude, and I go in.

The music is super loud EDM. Alex, I suppose, knows the guy at the door because we all get in no problem.

I go to the bar, get drinks, and realise I can’t find Alex.

I find myself drinking quite a lot. It’s been a rather long night so can you really blame me?

Suddenly, a beautiful woman approaches me. She tells me Alex wants to talk to me upstairs.

I go up the stairs and through a door at the top. It’s some kind of office. Alex and the black dude are there. I don’t know his name and should probably stop calling him black dude. Anyway, Alex grabs my arm and says “Jason, what if I told you this was a globalist haven and ninety percent of those people down there want to eat you alive and then eat your family?”

I want to tell him he’s crazy but I don’t.

Alex tells me to find the most beautiful looking woman down on the dance floor and wiper in her ear the word ‘sensational.’

I could have just walked out, but fuck it, I’m intrigued and it’s Alex fucking Jones. He was on Joe Rogan.

I get on the dance floor, sort of buzzed, and I find a hot looking babe with blond hair and cute bangs.

We dance for a bit before I whisper in her ear ‘sensational.’

She looks like I just stroked her G-spot. I head back to the office upstairs and she follows. I open the door and no one is there. Just me and her.

Suddenly, she throws over the desk and lamps. She is trashing this place. What the fuck?

“I’m checking this place for bugs. Fucking socialists.”

When she’s done, she grabs me by the shirt and starts making out with me.

All of a sudden she spits two green balls into my mouth.

I spit those things back out. They look like slimy tennis balls.

She looks like I just killed her babies.

“You do not accept the gifts of the fallen?”

“Um, what?”

She screams at me, almost in gibberish. The slime balls at my feet are sort of evaporating.

The chick starts crying. I have no idea what’s going on.

She starts clawing at me while screaming.

Then, she just slams the door and leaves.

Alex emerges from the closet.

Wait, he was in the closet this whole time? Where’d the black guy go?

“Jason what you said to her was a demonic mating ritual codeword.” Alex explains, “You just killed two globalist arch-demons.” “Which means,” Alex continues, “in about thirty seconds, this club is going down, HARD.”

Sure enough, I can hear screams from downstairs. Alex grabs me and pulls me towards the window.

“Jason, do you trust me?”

“No.”

He throws me out of the windows and I land on the van. Yes, it hurt but I was only like half a story up, so I didn’t break anything.

Alex follows suit, but he’s wrapped himself in some sort of black body armour? Fuck if I know.

The screams in the club are growing louder and the music has stopped. There is also no line outside.

Alex and I get in the van. The black guy is behind the wheel.

We drive off into the night.

Alex looks all sweaty and shit. “We showed those demons who not to fuck with, right Jason?”

“Hell yeah,” says the black dude.

“So, um, now we go home, right?” I ask.

“No, Ramsey. Not yet. We’ve got one last stop.”

My name isn’t Ramsey either.

So, we speed, and I mean SPEED down the street, away from the nightclub. I’m still buzzed from my drinks. Still, I’m having a good time even though I’m all tied up in this shit now. Maybe working with Alex wouldn’t be so bad after all.

“So, uh, Jason, you ever heard of this idea of controlled opposition?”

“No, what’s that?”

Alex starts chuckling. He explains that sometimes you have to control your enemy to make them more understandable or something.

I wonder if Alex had anything to drink at the club.

Alex cranks up the volume on the radio as soon as ‘All Along the Watchtower’ starts playing. The Hendrix version, that is.

Suddenly we stop. There, outside the van is my grandmother’s house.

Naturally, I’m a bit upset. Has Alex been stalking me or my grandma?

“Mike, look, I need you to relax for a sec, buddy because Granny Goodness in there is not who you think she is.”

My name isn’t Mike, either.

“What is that supposed to me?” I ask Alex.

Alex pulls out a laptop from under his seat and shows me a long list of files. One is called ‘SupremeC1068.ifw.’ He opens it and it looks like the Matrix. All these letters and numbers and shit.

“Mike, this is not a joke. You’ve been the victim of heavy conditioning. Do you know who Madeline Albright it?”

“No.”

“Look her up.”

I pull out my phone and google her name. She was secretary of state under Clinton, I guess? I open the Wikipedia page and on that screen is my grandmother. Holy fucking shit!

“Look, Alex, this looks just like her but…”

“No, Jason, it IS her, do you understand me?”

Alex is starting to get agitated.

“How… How is that even possible?” I ask.

Alex tells me the globalists can suck souls and live forever.

This does really, really look like my grandmother.

Alex tells me that Madeline, or well, Grandma, is going to use an upcoming election to get some ‘very, very’ bad people elected. This somehow will lead to an interdimensional invasion that Alex was bred to destroy.

I think he might be high.

Though, this really, really, really looks like my grandma.

“Okay, so, what do we do?” I ask Alex.

“It’s simple, Ramsey. You ever seen Ghostbusters?”

Alex pulls out a backpack. His seat must have some TARDIS shit going on. No, I’m not a Doctor Who fan, I just know what the TARDIS is but not Madeline Albright, so that shows you where my priorities are.

Alex takes these pills/vitamin drops and just inhales them. He’s taking so much of this shit, it can’t be healthy. Then, he pulls out what looks like a smoke detector.

“Here’s the plan, Jason. This device can detect ‘super souls’ and will switch their frequency so that they lower themselves to another dimension.”

“So, why not use it back at the club?”

Alex won’t say.

“So I’m supposed to go to my grandma’s house, who may or may not be Madeline Albright, and use this on her?” I ask. Alex just stares at me. Fuck it, “fine, I’ll do it IF you can guarantee me a job and decent pay.” I tell him.

“Franklin, you know I will.” he says as he goes in for a hug.

My name isn’t Franklin, either.

We hug for like two solid minutes. It really started to get uncomfortable. After the hug, I exit the van and walk across the street.

I get to grandma’s house and ring the doorbell. It’s like 1 AM at this point.

About thirty seconds later the door swings open.

“Oh, Dennis. You’re here so late!”

“Yeah, us sorry grandma, I was just out drinking and I needed a place to stay.”

Shitty excuse, but better than the truth.

“Well, come on in.”

She sniffs the air.

“Do you smell anything, Dennis?”

“Nope.”

“Well, maybe it’s just my old nose.”

She does this cute grandma laugh.

If Alex was fucking with me or some shit I will be pissed.

We sit at her coffee table. She’s obviously very tired.

Suddenly, she looks at the device in my hand.

“Oh, Dennis, what is that?” she asks.

“I uh…”

Discreetly, I press the button on this smoke detector, inter-dimensional vampire demon thing.

Nothing happens.

Oh goddammit. This was just some extremely elaborate pran-

Then suddenly, something happens. The device begins to vibrate. My grandma’s face starts, like, dropping. Like she’s having a stroke.

Oh shit! What have I done?

Then, I swear to god, my grandma – or well, Albright starts screaming. She screams in this demonic-ass voice.

“DENNIS! WHAT HAVE YOU DONE TO ME?!”

She starts like, exploding. First her arm, then her leg.

Shit, shit, shit.

The ground starts shaking!

What the fuck is happening?!

In this demonic voice, I hear, “You who must be bequeathed shall not become thine sanctimony!”

I run the fuck out of there as my grandma starts to explode and her house begins to fall apart. I fucking dash out of there like a cheetah.

“Oh shit, oh shit!”

I make it outside. I leap out of the yard. I turn around just long enough to see my ‘grandma’s’ house envelop into a portal of pure light.

There’s nothing there now. It’s like the house was never there at all. The device is gone too – I must have dropped it.

Sweet baby Jesus, I’m scared but I guess it’s all over now.

I run to the opposite side of the road. The van’s gone. In its place are two white containers and a duffel bag. In the bag are rolls of money. Wow! I mean – really, I could be set for life with this much, provided I lived simply. The container next to it looks familiar. I open it. My brisket dinner, still piping hot.

Then, I notice one last thing; a Post-it on the container. I pick it up and read it.

“Thanks a lot, Dennis. For everything.”

  • Thomas The Dank Engine

    This is one of the most amazing things I’ve read this year.

    This would really make a great movie. If we can have a shit tier movie about emojis we deserve a movie adaptation of this story.